


never seen myself before

by gloomyfruit



Series: my heart for you [1]
Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, Sexual Identity, Tickle Fights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-26 15:01:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18182135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloomyfruit/pseuds/gloomyfruit
Summary: Seulgi tries not to think too much about it.





	never seen myself before

Seulgi never really thought too much about it.

It took her a long time to even realize what she wasn’t thinking about, which was probably the first sign. She hadn’t realized that when other girls said _Oh no, we’re so busy, no time for boyfriends!_ they didn’t actually mean it. That they were just saying it because that was everyone expected from them. Because that was what sounded good.

Seulgi really thought she was too busy, and that she was just like everybody else. It seemed like an awful lot of effort, when some days the only sleep she was getting took place in a stylist’s chair before a broadcast. If she didn’t have time to sleep in a real bed, she definitely didn’t have time for a boyfriend, right?

Right.

Until Shiah mentions a boy she’s been messaging, telling Seulgi about how she got his number backstage at a music show. How it’s been three weeks and she really likes him. How she’s going to try to find a way to see him in person next month.

Seulgi doesn’t know how to respond, because she can tell the _But why?_ on the tip of her tongue isn’t something she should say out loud. She doesn’t want Shiah to think Seulgi is judging her, even when the truth is even more embarrassing: she honestly just doesn’t understand.

So she smiles and nods in all the right places, tells Shiah _I’m so happy for you_ and _I hope it works out_ , gives her a big hug. Tries to ignore the unsteady feeling in her stomach, the uncertainty wriggling around and making itself known. Tries to ignore the feeling that everyone else knows something she doesn't. That she's been missing out on something important, this whole time. 

 

* * *

 

She asks Seungwan about it, later, figures Seungwan’s her best bet. Seungwan had a whole life in another country before she became a trainee. She had plenty of time to date, or at least to think about wanting to date.

“I mean, I don’t have a boyfriend, if that’s what you’re asking,” Seungwan says, looking a little baffled.

“No, I just,” Seulgi pauses, feeling a little silly. “Like. Would you want a boyfriend? If someone asked you?”

“Yes?” Seungwan still seems confused, like maybe she thinks it’s a trick question.

“Oh,” Seulgi says, unsure how to process this information. Unsure how it’s taken this long for it to come up.

“Why? Wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t think so,” Seulgi says, honest like she always is.

“Like, ever?”

“I dunno. I guess not?”

Seungwan wrinkles her nose, a little.

“Isn’t that a little…” she trails off, like she either doesn’t know the words for what she wants to say, or isn’t comfortable saying it.

“A little what?”

“Nothing,” Seungwan says quickly. “Never mind.”

Seulgi’s pretty sure it’s not nothing, but she’s also pretty sure she doesn’t want to know what it is, so she nods and smiles and lets the subject drop.

 

* * *

 

She decides against asking Yerim, because if Yerim has been talking to any boys then Seulgi doesn’t want to know about it. If she knows about it, she’s responsible for dealing with it, and that’s not something Seulgi needs on her plate right now.

That leaves her with Sooyoung and Juhyun, but whenever she thinks about asking Juhyun about it her stomach kind of clenches, so.

That leaves her with Sooyoung.

“Sooyoung-ah,” she says, keeping her voice light and carefree. They’re in the van on their way back to the dorm, just the two of them. Sooyoung has almost her entire body covered with a blanket, so all Seulgi can see are her eyes, squinted shut against the lights of the city.

Sooyoung cracks one eye open, and pokes her nose out from the blanket.

“What,” she croaks, words muffled by pink fleece.

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”

Sooyoung’s eye narrows.

“Why,” she says, voice dripping with suspicion.

“Oh, you know,” Seulgi says, casual tone veering sharply towards manic despite her best efforts. “I was just curious. Girls talk about this stuff with each other, right? Boyfriends?”

“Some girls, yeah,” Sooyoung says very slowly. “These two girls in particular, not usually.”

Seulgi snorts, awkward and inelegant and overly loud in the quiet van.

“Okay, fine,” she admits. Sooyoung’s whole face is visible above her blanket now, gaze assessing. “I’ve never had one and I feel weird about it, okay? Don’t tell Juhyun.”

She doesn’t know why she tacks on that last part. Why does it matter if Juhyun knows? She’s told Seungwan and Sooyoung. She could tell Yerim, if she wanted. No problem. But when she thinks about telling Juhyun, imagines Juhyun’s assessing gaze, her whole face flushes red with humiliation.

“It’s okay, unnie,” Sooyoung says quietly. Her face does something weird, like she’s trying to appear sympathetic and understanding. She mostly looks like she’s holding in a fart. “Do you want to like… talk about it? We can be the kind of girls who talk about boys together, if you want.”

“I don’t think there’s much to talk about,” Seulgi admits, miserable. “I don’t even really know any boys.”

“You’re not missing much,” Sooyoung says, reaching out from underneath the blanket to put a soothing hand on Seulgi’s arm. “They mostly just burp, like. A _lot_. And try to look down your shirt when they think you aren’t paying attention.”

Seulgi frowns.

“Who was looking down your shirt? I’ll kill them.”

Sooyoung snorts out a laugh.

“With what? Your noodle arms? I can take care of myself, thanks.”

Seulgi has to laugh with her, because she’s right. Sooyoung can be fragile at the most unexpected times, but she holds her own when it really matters.

“Are they worth it, then? If all they do is act gross and then stare at you?”

Sooyoung shrugs.

“I guess so,” she says. She doesn’t seem too bothered about it. “They’re cute too, you know? And if they get too annoying, you just ditch them.”

“Sooyoung-ah…” Seulgi stares at her, baffled. “When did you get so grown up?”

“I got married, remember? I’m worldly now,” Sooyoung says, smug. She pulls her blanket back up over her nose, waggling her eyebrows meaningfully.

Seulgi laughs again, can’t help it. She doesn’t know if she feels any better about herself, but talking to Sooyoung always puts her in a good mood.

 

* * *

 

Juhyun finds her a few days later, because of course she does. She’s a little awkward, stiff and a little formal the way she always is. It’s the steel underneath her delicate exterior, Seulgi thinks idly, that keeps Juhyun from bending.

Seulgi looks up from where she’s sitting on the floor of the practice room, but finds she can’t look at Juhyun directly, squints and looks back down at the hardwood instead.

Juhyun hands Seulgi a vitamin drink, crouches to sit down next to her.

Seulgi twists it open, drinks it in one shot. Places the bottle down on the floor next to her, as carefully as she can.

There’s a moment of silence, probably comfortable for Juhyun but incredibly, improbably nerve-wracking for Seulgi. It doesn’t really make any sense. She’s sat next to Juhyun a million times before, in practice rooms and at dinner and backstage at venues and in the van between schedules. There’s no reason for her to suddenly get all sweaty and awkward about it.

She grimaces at herself, resisting the urge to fan out her shirt where it’s sticking to her armpits.

“Everything okay?” Juhyun asks, finally.

“Sure,” Seulgi says, fidgeting with the seam of her leggings instead.

“It’s fine, you know,” Juhyun says after another moment of loaded silence.

“Hmm?” Seulgi asks. Tries to make it seem like whatever Juhyun is going to say, she doesn’t really care.

“There’s plenty of girls who don’t want boyfriends,” Juhyun continues.

Seulgi narrows her eyes.

“Who told,” she says suspiciously, even though she’s pretty sure she knows.

Juhyun sighs.

“Does it matter?” she asks, voice calm. Placating, like she's talking to a small child.

“We both know it was Seungwan, come on.”

“If you’re so sure it was Seungwan, then why are you asking?”

“You have the exact same personality as my second grade teacher sometimes, did you know that?”

Juhyun elbows her softly, just a little nudge.

“Don’t be a brat, Seulgi-yah. I get enough attitude from Sooyoung as it is.” Her voice makes her sound tired, ancient. Like she really is the same age as Seulgi’s second grade teacher, and not a mere three years older than Seulgi herself.

Seulgi flutters her lashes a bit, can’t help it. Can’t help wanting to lighten the mood. Can’t help wanting to make Juhyun smile.

“Ah, unnie. You love me though, right?”

She elbows Juhyun back, exaggerated and purposefully obnoxious, leaning right into her space. Juhyun rolls her eyes and huffs out a laugh, putting her arms up to ward off Seulgi’s advances.

Juhyun smells nice. Sweet. It’s not something she’s ever really thought to worry about before, but now Seulgi can’t stop thinking about how she probably smells like stale sweat. Maybe a little like the grease from the chips she snuck earlier.

“Unnie,” Seulgi says, still trying to get her elbow into Juhyun’s side. “Hey. Unnie.”

“What,” Juhyun sighs, abruptly dropping her arms. Giving into Seulgi’s attack.

Seulgi pauses too.

“Unnie,” she says, voice grave. “Juhyun-unnie. Thank you for caring about me, really. But I’m fine, okay?”

To prove her point, Seulgi dives in again to start tickling Juhyun, laughing in delight as Juhyun shrieks and tries to dodge her.

Juhyun gives in easily everywhere Seulgi touches her, soft and warm under her hands. Not steel after all.

Seulgi tries not to think too much about it.

**Author's Note:**

> i am planning a part two for this so stay tuned!!!! and please hold me accountable!!!!
> 
> title from red velvet's cover of [rebirth](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLtRsfnTnlU)


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